[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.