not to brag, but mine was free
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High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!