Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur