I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
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If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.