Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
The smoothest fall of all time
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad