In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
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Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss