“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
is this a warning or an offer?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.