In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
new record!
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”