Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT