“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
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Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
How to make infinite energy.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?