Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
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I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My dress code is business-casualty.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I hate everything
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*