oh you like road-trips? name every road then
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Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.