“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*