JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime