Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.