In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones