Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.