How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist