Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”