It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.