@Daveastated

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

@lizzzzzielogan

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

@itsallbollocks

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

@vonTraphaus

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

@Greg_1_Leg

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

@Browtweaten

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

@jlock17

A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.

@jlock17

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.