I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”


My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.


The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.


My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.


Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.


I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming


“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”


I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask


Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already