@sonictyrant I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
@sonictyrant 
@VikingBut *pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
@thatdentaldude Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
@KatieDeal99 When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
@AnAppleHat Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
@Havish_AF Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
@_hood_mona_lisa [House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
@waDNR Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
@AlixEHarrow a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
@LSDFridge NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said