@GianmarcoSoresi I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
@GianmarcoSoresi 
@MadHatterMommy My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
@RunOldMan The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
@iGreenGod My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
@Dad_At_Law Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
@Chhapiness I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
@Rollinintheseat “Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
@komradecarl People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
@SvnSxty I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
@PhilipJFried Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already