@Daveastated Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
@Daveastated 
@tigersgoroooar all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
@lizzzzzielogan I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
@itsallbollocks hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
@vonTraphaus “I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
@birdcardigan me when the borders lift
@Greg_1_Leg Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
@Browtweaten me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
@jlock17 A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
@jlock17 My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.