@GianmarcoSoresi

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

@MadHatterMommy

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

@RunOldMan

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

@iGreenGod

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

@Dad_At_Law

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

@Chhapiness

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

@Rollinintheseat

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

@SvnSxty

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

@PhilipJFried

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already