@sonictyrant

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

@thatdentaldude

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

@KatieDeal99

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

@AnAppleHat

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

@Havish_AF

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

@_hood_mona_lisa

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

@waDNR

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

@AlixEHarrow

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

@LSDFridge

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said