I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*