Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?