I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.