[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
#growingpains
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.