How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.