I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”