If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?