Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively