My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Customer is always right
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.