[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream