[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫