Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.