@HomeProbably My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
@HomeProbably When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
@HomeProbably It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
@HomeProbably The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
@HomeProbably It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
@HomeProbably I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
@HomeProbably I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
@HomeProbably Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
@HomeProbably If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
@HomeProbably This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.