@HomeProbably

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

@HomeProbably

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@HomeProbably

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@HomeProbably

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

@HomeProbably

Everyone buries their problems in different ways.

I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@HomeProbably

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.