Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”