You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.