What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*