Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh