@OfficeofSteve

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

@OfficeofSteve

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

@OfficeofSteve

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

@OfficeofSteve

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

@OfficeofSteve

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

@OfficeofSteve

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

@OfficeofSteve

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

@OfficeofSteve

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

@OfficeofSteve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

@OfficeofSteve

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh