I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.