Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.