Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
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My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I needed a laugh this morning.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.