@SvnSxty

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

@SvnSxty

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

@SvnSxty

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

@SvnSxty

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

@SvnSxty

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

@SvnSxty

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

@SvnSxty

when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before

@SvnSxty

Me: *dressed as a dragon*

Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy

Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya

@SvnSxty

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

@SvnSxty

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow