[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
You Might Also Like
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
it is time once again
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Gemma Correll
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.