@TeaAndCopy ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
@TeaAndCopy @TeaAndCopy ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
@TeaAndCopy On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
@TeaAndCopy MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
@TeaAndCopy WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
@TeaAndCopy ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@TeaAndCopy ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
@TeaAndCopy WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
@TeaAndCopy Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
@TeaAndCopy ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure