On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[Putting petrol in car]
[ok, once more]