I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Netflix and awkward silence?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.