If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.