It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.