When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”