I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
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Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”