“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.